We’re all super excited about the recent media blitz for adult vaccinations over here at LQ headquarters. It’s about time! What’s the point in being a pro-vaccine warrior when your entire front line is made of babies?
Nothing spells the end of vaccine injury denialism like 20% of adults developing out-of-the-blue food allergies, epilepsy, Type 1 diabetes and “early onset” Alzheimers.
In an effort to be as helpful as possible, though, I’d like to point out that even adults who keep up with their current schedule aren’t getting vaccinated enough. It’s only fair that we adjust vaccine dosing to keep the ingredients proportionate to each patient’s weight, just as we do for children’s antibiotic or pain reliever.
Since the 2005 piece in the Journal of American Veterinary Medical Association about the increased dangers of vaccinating dogs with lower body weights didn’t wake anyone up, then the least we can do is raise the vaccine quota for grownups.
Let’s start with scary influenza. The Flulaval vaccine is approved for 6 month old babies who, on average, weigh 16 pounds, but it’s also approved for adults. The wonderful thing about Flulaval is that not only has the FDA approved it for children up to eight years old, but they got approval for two full doses at least four weeks apart. So good you give it twice.
Since the average American woman weighs 166 pounds, we’re going to need every adult female to get 20 Flulaval shots this season. Feel free to take them in 2 sets of 10, spaced 4 weeks apart. You will be taking in 20 times the amount of formaldehyde, known to cause cancer, and 20 times the amount of polysorbate 80, which opens the blood brain barrier to bacteria, viruses (including the four strains of the flu in the vaccine), and of course, the half milligram of mercury that comes in four full Flulaval vials.
I’m sure you understand that this is only fair. If 2 Flulaval are great for a baby, 20 are even better for you. Together we can fight the flu, and your role in taking 20 flu vaccines every September is critical in reaching our goal.
Remember: your next “flu shot selfie” doesn’t count toward social media virtue signaling unless we see five Bandaids on each shoulder, two months in a row. From here on out, people will openly laugh if there is only one measly Bandaid on your flabby bingo wing, and rightfully so.
And while the CDC doesn’t recommend the Tdap vaccine for adults more than once between the ages of 18 and death, the media is taking liberty to say that adults should get it anyway if their “immunity to pertussis is unknown.” What is known is that pertussis antibodies from the Tdap vaccine last less than one year, so you can bet your butt that your whooping cough vaccine immunity from childhood is non-existent this year, next year, and every year.
The infant version of the Tdap– which actually contains more pertussis antigens than the Tdap–is called the DTaP, and given to nine-pound infants at two months old. Therefore the appropriate weight-adjusted dosage for the average adult is going to be 20 whooping cough vaccines every year. I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s critical that you take all 20 Tdaps at once since the vaccine isn’t very effective. Do your part and don’t be a puss. Most importantly, stay on schedule.
Likewise, the MMR is indicated for babies 12 months and older, who typically weigh about 19 pounds. We give the MMR at one year, and again at four years old. As we now know, the protection from the childhood MMR vaccine falls way short of lasting a lifetime. And measles kills 100,000 people a year! Not here, but somewhere!
In order to give the equivalent childhood dose, every man in America– where our big boys average 196 pounds– will need a catch-up schedule of 10 MMRs immediately, followed by another 5 doses 3 years later, just to be on the safe side of immunity. Don’t worry, I’m sure that getting 15 times the amount of cells from that 16-week old aborted WI-38 fetus isn’t going to feel like injecting a baby lung. Try to relax and put that out of your mind because science has proven that vaccines work better if you’re in a good mood.
And it’s important that you listen to your body! Because if you didn’t already have a pig gelatin allergy, you might get one soon.
Yours in (injectable) health,
All in all, if an adult were to submit to the weight-adjusted version of the schedule that four-year old children are expected to adhere to, it would be well over 500 doses of single and three-in-one combination shots in 48 months.
Think on that.