Go Home, #CDC, You’re Drunk

Not content to stop at forbidding exhausted, stressed-out pregnant women from having an occasional glass of wine, the big brains at our Centers for Disease Control have issued a hip infographic where they now blame non-pregnant women who consume alcohol for their own rapes, unwanted babies, and the spread of STDs.

By no means do I intend to condone women throwing ’em back each night throughout their pregnancies, but has it occurred to anyone that perhaps women who give birth to children with fetal alcohol syndrome aren’t being honest about exactly how much alcohol they had while pregnant?

Anyhoo.  That’s not my point, so don’t go off on a tangent leaving hate comments about how there is no such thing as a safe amount of alcohol in pregnancy; ain’t nobody got time for that.  Today I want to talk about a host of encounters that a fertile woman should avoid if she’s pregnant, planning on becoming pregnant, or in danger of being pregnant and just not smart enough to realize it that were all somehow left off of the CDC’s “rules for women” infographic.

First and foremost, pregnant and fertile women must avoid taking advice from the CDC.

The CDC is cool with pregnant women getting vaccinated for any disease in existence except for two:  rubella and chickenpox/shingles.  That’s it.  Everything else is good to go if you want it. And when it comes to the Tdap and flu vaccines?  Forget about it.  They come just shy of telling doctors to hold women down and give them against their will.  Never mind the 4,250% increase in miscarriage reported to VAERS after flu vaccination.  Ignore the fact that fetal deaths from flu-infected mothers were “not significantly reduced” by flu vaccination so taking the jab for your “unborn baby’s safety” is just a bunch of bull.  Pay no attention to the absurdity of injecting tetanus toxoid into pregnant women on the regular when it is known that neonatal tetanus infection causes microcephaly.

But what if we treated American women as well as we treat, oh, let’s say… cats?  What does the World Small Animal Veterinarian Association say about vaccinating fertile female cats?  “Vaccination should occur before and not during pregnancy unless essential.”  Not only that, but if the cat has already been vaccinated, it shouldn’t even receive additional vaccines before pregnancy.  Because why?  Because you shouldn’t over-vaccinate your cat; all veterinarians know that.

Pregnant and fertile women should never take advice from pharmaceutical companies.

When has a pharmaceutical company said their drug was unsafe, ever, in the history of time?  Why do we think that companies that have been ordered to pay $10.4 BILLION in civil and criminal fines in just the last five years have our safety at heart?  Painkillers, antidepressants, antibiotics, blood pressure drugs, and seizure drugs…  all safe for mother and child–just ask the companies who make them.

Pregnant and fertile women should probably not listen to their doctors.

The average doctor is only going to know what they learned in medical school and whatever they’re taught during mandatory continuing education courses.  Surely it isn’t a conflict that medical schools accept major cash donations and gifts from drug companies that may or may not have an impact on curriculum and positions taught to young doctor minds in school.  What about the CME credits subsidized by drug companies in exotic locations and warm sandy beaches?  Are our doctors learning anything from their patients’ experiences or only the propaganda left behind by sexy college cheerleaders-turned-drug reps?

Pregnant and fertile women should steer clear of all hospitals.

Hospitals accidentally kill up to 440,000 people each year!  Why in the world would a woman ever set foot in one?  Do you know how many deaths are on record after going to the chiropractor– for all time, in the history of research?  26.  I’m not drawing any conclusions but you do the math.

Pregnant women should have their babies somewhere else.

With our rank of 167 out of 224 countries for infant mortality, women might consider birthing in one of the 57 countries with better survival rates than ours, such as Cuba or South Korea.

Pregnant and fertile women should not trust any other governmental agencies including but not limited to the FDA, EPA and USDA.

The FDA tightly regulates the consumption of genetically engineered food through actions like their voluntary consultation program that no one has to comply with, and they put the determination of whether or not GMOs are safe to eat squarely on the shoulders of…  the companies selling them to you.

Maybe the FDA doesn’t warn fertile women not to eat GMOs because eating genetically engineered food slathered in pesticide is almost as good as being on birth control when it comes to causing infertility.

Let’s see what the USDA says about GMO safety concerns, because we all know there are at least concerns, right?  Oh, they say a whole bunch of nothing under their safety considerations and conspicuously absent is any wording about tumors, organ failure, gastrointestinal illness, and infertility.

Surely the EPA cares about pregnant women eating GMOs since their agency is the one that has Monsanto corn registered as a pesticide?  Anyone? Bueller?

Pregnant and fertile women should avoid eating in any restaurant that’s taken a non-GMO stance against Monsanto.

Do you want to get poisoned by an unusual, untraceable strain of sickening e. coli?  Then dine at a company that’s taken a giant public stance against Monsanto and test your luck.  The CDC just concluded the mysterious Chipotle e. coli investigation this week and guess what the smoking gun was?  They have no idea.  A major operating component of the largest health department in America with– let’s admit it– unlimited resources, has absolutely no idea what caused 55 people in 11 states to get sick from eating at restaurants at the top of Monsanto’s hit list, but you can bet it wasn’t sabotage.

Hope this helps, ladies!