10 Christmas Gift Ideas for the Pro-vaxer in Your Life

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Written by Levi Quackenboss

blinders

After reading about the mother whose family put a few “Vaccines Don’t Cause Autism” pamphlets in her child’s trick-or-treat bag over the weekend, I thought I’d go on preemptive strike with some helpful Christmas gift ideas for those of you with rabid pro-vaxers who try to influence your parenting decisions.  Feel free to adapt for Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or a good old fashioned Festivus celebration; don’t be constricted by my use of “Christmas.”

  1. A handy rapid test for pertussis infection, since the Tdap booster doesn’t prevent it. Don’t they want to know when what they think is a mild cold might end up killing a newborn?  We sure do.
  2. A Tamiflu coupon. If they’re dumb enough to get the flu vaccine you may as well give some Tamiflu to go with it.
  3. This riveting book on the Nobel Prize award, so they can skip to page 245 where the author discusses Charles Richet’s 1913 award for inventing the world’s first anaphylaxis. It reads, “The first dose of a vaccine may save, but the second dose can shock the system and cause its death.”  Pure Christmas gold, I tell you.
  4. Some horse blinders. Life is just easier this way, isn’t it?  No need to see the world around us; just keep plowing straight ahead.  Don’t be distracted by the wreckage that is childhood autoimmune disease.
  5. Free EpiPens. With an 8% rate of food allergies in today’s children, you run a 1-in-13 chance of creating an allergy to one of the food protein vaccine ingredients (egg, soy, milk, beef, pork, insects, monkey if you eat monkey) or protein that they cross-sensitize to, when you vaccinate.  Are all allergy kids vulnerable to deadly anaphylaxis?  Who knows?  You have to almost die before you find that out.  That’s why nothing gives the warm fuzzies like extra EpiPens on hand to save a life when accidentally eating normal, everyday food.
  6. A blood glucose tester. 10% of Americans have diabetes and 10% of those have Type 1, or juvenile diabetes, which means there is now a 1-in-100 chance of any given pre-teen being diabetic.  The skyrocketing rate of Type 1 coincides with the first MMR vaccine being licensed in 1963, but not to worry, I’m sure it’s just coincidence disorder.
  7. A Depakote prescription card. It is perfectly normal for kids to have seizures for no reason, isn’t it?  Why the CDC admits the MMR-V doubles seizure rates is beyond me.  This heavy-duty anti-epileptic drug makes the perfect stocking-stuffer.
  8. A cute dinosaur nebulizer. Combined with Albuterol, it’s handy not only for asthma attacks, but any reactive airway disease that was virtually unheard of before the second half of the 20th century.
  9. A full-body eczema suit to keep a baby from clawing its skin off while sleeping. Forget that in 1994 people with eczema still had permanent exemption from the whooping cough shot in Russia; let’s celebrate the new normal:  a childhood eczema rate of 10%.  Tape some candy canes on it and call it cozy Christmas jammies.
  10. A parachute. When they’re running off the cliff with the rest of the lemmings they’re going to be glad someone thought to buy them a used military parachute to soften the landing.  Don’t mind the holes in this one; they’re used to wishful thinking.

25 Comments

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  7. Hysterical and spot on.
    Might want to add a savings bond for future costs due to cancer and some energy drinks to sustain the energy needed to continually shout “Vaccines don’t cause Autism!!!!” I mean, it’s a full time job to foam at the mouth.

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  8. Ingenious!! Getting fed up with pro-vaxxers and their stupid comments and the over use of the word pseudo-science and that ‘you’re not a dr, what do u know. ‘

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You might want to have another look at that graph, where the rise in incidence of Type 1 diabetes starts around 1950, well before the MMR vaccine was licensed. (You might have picked this up by actually reading your source.)
        As you can also see, what actually coincides with the licensing of the MMR vaccine was a halt in the rise in incidence of Type 1 diabetes. I’m not suggesting that’s causative, though.

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  10. wow, you really are a special kind of stupid, aren’t you…?? The pertussis test may actually be a good idea, though. With this ridiculous anti-vax nonsense, apparently pertussis is now a thing again… and so many more unvaccinated disease vectors running around the test kit is a fairly good idea..

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    1. Show me where the CDC blames the minuscule amount of unvaccinated children for the rise in pertussis. Show me one government source that says it. Not an idiot doctor who got themselves on the news, not a so-called journalist writing a Time Magazine propaganda piece, and not a study paid for by the California Department of Health. Show me where the CDC or the FDA says anything other than “the vaccine wears off quickly” and “the vaccine does not prevent infection in the vaccinated.”

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      2. According to Webmd and the CDC, the new pertussis vaccine stays in the system for 6 weeks (compared to 3 weeks of the “older” vaccine) and is likely a contributor to the rise in vaccines starting around 2012 (as well as other factors such as higher reporting data). http://www.webmd.com/children/vaccines/features/whooping-cough-rising-despite-new-vaccine According to both (cdc & webmd), pockets of unvaccinated MAY contribute to a rise, but only in pockets, however this outbreak was not in a pocket but widespread. To explain this upsurge, researchers (some from the CDC itself) have put together a scientific analysis. The science blog, ABC Science outlined the research from PLOS Computational Biology, which points out that the year 2012 saw the highest rise in pertussis and “The move to an artificially created vaccine for whooping cough is behind an increase in cases of the deadly disease in the US, a new study suggests.” That outline can be found here: http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2015/04/24/4222316.htm and there is a link to the actual PLOS Computational Biology journal from that page (for the scientifically minded).

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      3. I think you mean rise in pertussis, not rise in vaccines. And just FYI, web MD content is crafted by industry leaders, not scientists or doctors. There is now a famous email from a Monsanto Freedom of Information request that speaks to how successful they were in getting information planted into Web MD.

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    2. You do realize about half the adult population worldwide is ‘unvaccinated’ as they have gone well past their recommended boosters for all these so so so scary diseases that plummeted in mortality and/or morbidity well before big pharma brainwashed the sheeple on this bogus vaccinology myth. If all this paranoia was justified, body bags would be sky high from all the ‘vectors’ that exist RIGHT NOW, probably someone within your presence as you read this. Wait, what’s that? Oh, it isn’t acute contagious disease that’s maiming large swaths of the populace, but chronic diseases, not to mention the deaths from our idiots medical overlords that kill another half-million annually in the US just with medical errors. But nevermind all that, keep being afraid of my unvaxed 2 year old while you guzzle soda and take your statins. Let’s see if a case of the shingles/measles/mumps/rubella/tetanus/diphtheria/meningitis/rotavirus/flu/pertussis and whatever else big pharma has you terrified of will kill you before cancer or heart disease. 2/3 chance for heart disease or cancer or about 1 in a million for that scary sounding stuff above. Yet I reckon you display a shrug and apathy towards the things that will actually kill you one day, while you display outright hostility for lightning strike odds for the others. This is the backwards medical dark age paradigm you poor pro-vaccine folks live in and you do not even realize it. Body fitness is PARAMOUNT. But instead we waste endless time fearing a handful of microscopic critters to the extent we actually jeopardize the very bodies we need intact by injecting toxic compounds directly into 12 hour old babies or, even worse, into pregnant women. We GET it, pal. There is no going back. We can’t unlearn this medical hoax. But please feel free to keep at it, because you will be defeated every single time and hopefully someday it will break through the dogma that has your beliefs solidified in place (we were all like you at one point, brainwashed from childhood).

      Liked by 2 people

  11. Pgorman30, Hmmmm…. how do I say this? Oh, here we go: this is not at all a government source stating that unvaccinated children are responsible for the post-2000 (end of whole cell DPT vaccine) pertussis resurgence.

    While I can understand how the group’s name “Council on Foreign Relations” tricked you into thinking it is a government source, I encourage you instead to read their about section:

    http://www.cfr.org/about/

    And don’t skip the section about how they aim to “govern the internet”

    http://www.cfr.org/about/corporate/

    And don’t skip their roster list, with such stand-up companies as GlaxoSmithKline, Merck, and Pfizer.

    http://www.cfr.org/about/corporate/roster.html

    Would you like to try again?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, you’re a cheeky little fuck stick, aren’t you? First off, I’m well aware of what the CFR is. While, I don’t agree with everything they say, it doesn’t affect the validity of their data nor the intrepation by NPR. Secondly, you know very well that the CDC or FDA has never said that decreases in vaccination rates is the sole cause for the increase in incidence of pertussis or measles. That is why you asked for that particular citation. If either one of those agencies had made that statement, you’d find a reason to say that it wasn’t valid because Big Pharma or some other shit. Both of those bodies, as well as the WHO and HHS have said, on many occasions, that maintaining high vaccination rates is vitally important to preventing outbreaks of these diseases and that decreases in vaccination rates, while not the only reason for the resurgence of these diseases, are a significant contributing factor. I’m not going to take the time to provide citations for those statements because they are pretty much everywhere. The fact remains, areas with low vaccination rates are highly correlative to areas with increased incidences of these diseases. You’d hard-pressed to find a less biased news agency than NPR, the data is sound. I know it’s no Natural News or Green Med Info or Mercola.com…

      The DTP vaccine was discontinued in favor of DTaP due a significant reduction of adverse reactions with the acellular form of the vaccine. The protection provided by the acellular form of the vaccine is slightly reduced versus the whole cell vaccine, but for the benefit of increased safety. The acellular vaccine is still over 85% protective, I believe. This is the kind of shit you get when you have people with scientific education trying to interpret shit they don’t understand and second guessing the entire scientific community. Quit flapping your cock pocket and stop being part of the problem.

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      1. Nope, wrong again. The CDC does in fact blame the unvaccinated for pockets of measles outbreaks. Personally, I don’t disagree with the efficacy of the measles vaccine. I disagree with the unavailability of the single shot, the faked efficacy data of the mumps vaccine, the omitted data on correlation of the MMR with autism, and the drastically increased seizure rate of the MMR-V. But you’ll never hear me say “the measles vaccine doesn’t work.” For the most part, it works. Are we depriving ourselves of any potential benefits that a natural measles infection would provide, such as safeguarding against cancer? Probably. Am I scared of a measles infection in someone I care for? No, I am not.

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