Coincidence Disorder Reaching Epidemic Levels

Coincidence:  a remarkable concurrence of events without apparent causal connection.

Parents of disabled children, desperate to blame someone for their bad genetics or inexplicable acts of God, have taken to social media in recent years as a “vocal minority” to blame their woes on life-saving measures whose side effects we all know are exceedingly rare:  vaccines.

As much as our hearts break for these parents raising non-verbal autistic children in diapers at age 10, or whose kids go into anaphylactic shock six times a year from exposure to common everyday foods, or those with imperfect offspring who suffer from epilepsy and spend a quarter of the year hospitalized, we have to chalk these conditions up to the new epidemic of “Coincidence Disorder” because if there’s one thing we know about these mysteries:  they are not caused by vaccines.

There is no limit to the coincidences that these pathetic parents blame on the greatest inventions of the 20th century.  Take, for instance, when a seemingly-healthy baby is vaccinated for Hepatitis B before being discharged from the hospital, and suddenly that baby is incapable of suckling at the breast.  Never mind that mama had been breastfeeding for 48 hours already, this baby now has to be bottle fed because it has forgotten its eating reflex.  Babies are silly and sometimes these things just happen, right?  Did you see this study of little monkeys who weren’t able to suckle after a hep b vax?  Are we monkeys?  No, we are not.  We are plagued with Coincidence Disorder, and it’s tragic.

What about the 896 infant deaths after the Hib vaccine reported to VAERS  between 1990 and 2013?  Sometimes babies just die within 24 to 48 hours of the two or four-month routine immunizations.  Do you know why medical examiners never say that a child who died of SIDS in fact died from vaccines?  Because it’s not a box to check off on the form, that’s why.  Get used to those two and four month spikes in Coincidence Disorder.

Have you ever seen an infant break out in eczema days or weeks after vaccination?  Babies have crappy skin, don’t you know that?  “Baby soft skin” should mean skin that feels like sandpaper.  It’s Coincidence Disorder.  You know what vaccine is studied for causing eczema vaccinatum?  Smallpox.  Why?  Because we don’t give it anymore (except to our military) so the fact that it causes terrible skin lesions is irrelevant in today’s society.  Mark that one off as “who cares?”

And autism?  Have we not beat that horse enough?  Don’t you get your news from CNN?  Vaccines do not cause autism! Maybe, just maybe, they cause encephalitis in some susceptible children, which then causes autism— no, wait, forget I said that.  It’s Coincidence Disorder– some people don’t like to hear that well.

And then there are the biggest loudmouths, the allergy moms.  They think their cases are such slam dunks.  So what if their kids had no allergies at two months old and then were plagued with allergies 6 weeks after vaccination?  It is Coincidence Disorder!  What about the fact that Charles Richet was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1913 for inventing anaphylaxis by injecting, via needle, jellyfish protein into dogs?  1913 are you kidding me?  Surely the Nobel Prize committee wouldn’t stand by an award 102 years old?  Undigested injected proteins behave differently today than they did a century ago, am I right?

What about kids who go into anaphylactic shock on the doctor’s table right after receiving a vaccine?  OK, fine.  You got me.  That’s not Coincidence Disorder.  That’s what the $3.5 billion paid out from the Vaccine Injury Compensation Program is for.  Getting a little cash takes the sting out, doesn’t it?

After all, what is more important than community immunity?  Isn’t it written into the Constitution that we have the right to be free from disease?  Nothing is more prized in our society than an untested immune system, existing in a bubble of temporary, somewhat ineffective, vaccine immunity.  Those intangible benefits outweigh the epidemic risk of Coincidence Disorder.