Our BFFs at the CDC plan on watering down the warnings in the MMR and MMR-V Vaccine Information Sheets even more than they are and guess what?! They care what we think! Well, that’s a stretch—it’s more accurate to say that they’re obligated to ask what we think, otherwise I’m sure they’d be happy to give us the fat middle finger like the CDC employee with the bad hair and Paul Offit frown.
We’ve got until December 19th to leave our relevant, articulate comments. I’ve taken it upon myself to redline their proposed draft of the MMR VIS below. My comments and changes are in BRIGHT RED SHOUTY ALL-CAPS. Feel free to base your comments to the CDC on any of my notes or proposed changes.
The link to leave a comment to the CDC is here.
THE CDC’S PROPOSED NEW VIS IS AS FOLLOWS:
Vaccine Information Statement MMR Vaccine (Measles, Mumps and Rubella):
- Why get vaccinated?
Measles, mumps, and rubella are diseases that can have serious consequences. Before vaccines they were very common, especially among children. [THE “SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES” LINE IS A NEW ADDITION. THIS SHOULD SAY “THE DISEASES WERE VERY COMMON,” NOT “THEY WERE VERY COMMON,” AS “THEY” CAN MISTAKENLY BE READ TO MEAN “THE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES WERE VERY COMMON,” WHICH IS INACCURATE.]
- Measles virus causes fever, cough, runny nose, and red, watery eyes, followed by a rash.
- [RARELY,] Measles can lead to ear infections, diarrhea, pneumonia, [AND, IN MALNOURISHED DEVELOPING NATION POPULATIONS AND IN PEOPLE WITH UNDERLYING CHRONIC ILLNESS,] brain damage, and death. [UP UNTIL THE POINT OF MMR VACCINE LICENSING, MEASLES WAS CONSIDERED TO BE A COMMON, CHILDHOOD RITE-OF-PASSAGE DISEASE, WHICH IS WHY IT WAS SO OFTEN A PUNCHLINE IN EARLY AMERICAN SITCOMS. THERE HAS NOT BEEN A DEATH FROM MEASLES IN THE UNITED STATES NOT LINKED TO ANY UNDERLYING DISEASE SINCE 2003.]
- Mumps virus causes fever, headache, muscle aches, tiredness, loss of appetite, and swollen glands in the cheeks and neck.
- [RARELY,] Mumps can lead to deafness, encephalitis or meningitis (swelling of the brain and/or spinal cord covering), painful swelling of the testicles or ovaries, and, rarely, death [DEATH FROM MUMPS ENCEPHALITIS IS EXCEEDINGLY RARE AND THERE ARE NO STATISTICS OF DEATH FROM MUMPS IN THE UNITED STATES, NOR ANY DEATHS FROM RECENT OUTBREAKS].
Rubella (also known as German Measles)
- Rubella virus causes fever, sore throat, rash, headache, eye irritation, and arthritis (mostly in teenage and adult women). [RUBELLA IS A MILD DISEASE IN CHILDREN, WITH 50% OF INFECTIONS BEING SYMPTOMLESS. THIS VACCINE IS NOT TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD; IT IS TO PROTECT WOMEN WHO ARE IN THEIR FIRST TRIMESTER OF PREGNANCY FROM BEING INFECTED BY YOUR CHILD. SINCE 2003, THERE HAVE BEEN LESS THAN 11 CASES OF RUBELLA IN THE UNITED STATES PER YEAR, WHICH LED TO ITS “ELIMINATED” DESIGNATION IN 2004.]
- If a woman gets rubella while she is pregnant, she could have a miscarriage or her baby could be born with serious birth defects. [HOWEVER, WE DO NOT VACCINATE WOMEN OF CHILD BEARING AGE, WE PREFER TO VACCINATE YOUR CHILD BECAUSE YOU ARE CONDITIONED TO ALLOW IT.]
These diseases are easily spread from person to person through coughing and sneezing, or through direct contact with an infected person.
Measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) vaccine can protect children and adults from all three of these diseases. [OF COURSE, AS DEMONSTRATED BY RECENT MEASLES OUTBREAKS, THE VACCINE IS NOT A GUARANTEE OF PREVENTING THE DISEASE FROM EMERGING IN HIGHLY VACCINATED POPULATIONS. ALSO, THERE IS THE SMALL MATTER OF THE MERCK WHISTLEBLOWER LAWSUIT WHICH ALLEGES THAT MERCK FALSIFIED ITS DATA ON MUMPS EFFICACY, IN WHICH CASE THE MUMPS PORTION OF THIS VACCINE WOULD BE COMPLETELY USELSESS, AS DEMONSTRATED BY THE NUMEROUS MUMPS OUTBREAKS IN 100% VACCINATED POPULATIONS IN RECENT YEARS.]
Vaccination programs, [ALONG WITH IMPROVED HYGIENE AND THE CYCLICAL NATURE OF MANY DISEASES] have made these diseases much less common in the U.S. But if we stopped vaccinating, these diseases could return and cause a lot of people to become ill. [OR, WE COULD STOP VACCINATING AND NOTHING WOULD CHANGE EXCEPT THE IMPROVED RATES OF CHRONIC AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE IN OUR CHILDREN. WHO KNOWS?]
- MMR vaccine
Children should get 2 doses of MMR vaccine, which are usually recommended at:
- 12 through 15 months of age (first dose), and
- 4 through 6 years of age (second dose).
The second dose may be given earlier, but at least 28 days after the first dose [ALTHOUGH, YOU WOULD NOT WANT YOUR CHILD TO RECEIVE IT WITHIN TWO YEARS OF A MERCURY-CONTAINING VACCINE, SUCH AS INFLUENZA, SINCE WE’VE KNOWN THAT CAUSES AUTISM SINCE 2002].
Infants between 6 and 11 months of age should get 1 dose of MMR vaccine at least 2 weeks before travel outside the country [NOT JUST ANY COUNTRY, SINCE MEASLES IS ELIMINATED FROM CANADA TO CHILE. (This dose will not count toward their routine series [BECAUSE CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 9 MONTHS DO NOT MAKE ANTIBODIES TO DISEASES WE VACCINATE FOR.)
Children between 12 months and 12 years of age can get a combination vaccine called MMRV. MMRV contains both chickenpox and MMR vaccines. There is a separate Vaccine Information Statement for MMRV [WHERE WE LIST CONTRAINDICATIONS NOT LISTED ON THIS MMR VIS, SUCH AS HAVING A SIBLING WITH A HISTORY OF SEIZURES, OR IMMUNE SYSTEM PROBLEMS]. Ask your doctor for more information.
Some adults should also get MMR vaccine. Generally, anyone 18 years of age and older who has not received MMR vaccine should get at least 1 dose, unless they can show that they have had all three diseases, [EXCEPT RUBELLA, WHICH IS ELIMINATED, AND MUMPS, FOR WHICH THE VACCINE IS INEFFECTIVE]. Most people born before 1957 have had these three diseases. [EVERYONE BORN AFTER 1957 HAS HAD THEIR VACCINE WEAR OFF BUT WE’RE IGNORING THAT FACT SINCE WE PREFER TO HOLD TODDLERS 100% ACCOUNTABLE FOR “HERD IMMUNITY.”]
There are no known risks to getting MMR vaccine at the same time as other vaccines [BECAUSE WE INTENTIONALLY HAVE NEVER STUDIED THE ISSUE. OF COURSE, THERE ARE NUMEROUS RISKS IF YOU LOOK INTO THE VACCINE ADVERSE REPORTING SYSTEM.]
Some people should not get this vaccine [SUCH AS INFANTS]
Tell the person who is giving you the vaccine:
- If you have any severe, life-threatening allergies. If you ever had a life-threatening allergic reaction after a dose of MMR vaccine, or have a severe allergy to any part of this vaccine, you may be advised not to get vaccinated. Ask your health care provider if you want information about vaccine components. [RATHER, ASK YOUR HEATH CARE PROVIDER TO HAND YOU THE MERCK INSERT BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW THAT THE VACCINE IS MADE WITH PORK GELATIN, HUMAN BLOOD SERUM, ANTIBIOTICS, COW BLOOD, CHICKEN FETUS, AND ABORTED HUMAN TISSUE, AND IN FACT, YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER WOULD LAUGH IN YOUR FACE IF YOU SUGGESTED THAT THESE INGREDIENTS COMPRISED THE MMR, BUT TRUST US, THEY REALLY DO.]
- If you are pregnant. Pregnant women should wait to get MMR vaccine until after they have given birth. Women should avoid getting pregnant for 1 month after getting MMR vaccine [BECAUSE LIVE VACCINES WILL KILL YOUR BABY, THEY ARE THAT SAFE].
- If you have a weakened immune system due to disease (such as cancer or HIV/AIDS) or medical treatments (such as radiation, steroids, or chemotherapy). [JUST KIDDING, ONLY PEOPLE ACTIVELY ON CHEMO ARE CONTRAINDICATED FROM THE MMR BY THE CDC, BUT WE’LL VACCINATE YOU AS SOON AS YOU’RE DONE.]
- If you have ever had a low platelet count or another blood disorder.
- If you have recently had a blood transfusion or received other blood products. You might be advised to postpone MMR vaccination for at least three months.
- If you have gotten any other vaccines in the past 4 weeks. Live vaccines given too close together might not work as well. [ALSO, THEY MIGHT MAKE YOUR CHILD AUTISTIC, BUT THAT DOESN’T STOP US FROM ADMINISTERING THE MMR ALONG WITH OTHER VACCINES, PLUS A FLU SHOT.]
- If you are not feeling well. If you have a mild illness, such as a cold, you can probably get the vaccine today. If you are moderately or severely ill, you should probably wait until you recover. Your doctor can advise you. [NOT REALLY. NEARLY EVERY DOCTOR WILL TELL YOU IT’S PERFECTLY SAFE TO BE VACCINATED WHILE YOU ARE SICK, EVEN IF YOU ARE ON ANTIBIOTICS. IT IS THE PERFECT RECIPE FOR AUTISM.]
- Risks of a vaccine reaction
With any medicine, including vaccines [VACCINES ARE NOT “MEDICINE,” PER SE, SINCE THEY ARE DRUGS INJECTED INTO HEALTHY PEOPLE], there is a chance of side effects. These are usually mild and go away on their own, but serious reactions are also possible. [EXCEPT FOR EPILEPSY, AUTISM AND OTHER NEUROLOGICAL DISEASES, OF COURSE. THOSE ARE USUALLY FOREVER.]
Getting MMR vaccine is much safer than getting measles, mumps, or rubella disease [EXCEPT FOR RUBELLA, WHICH IS USUALLY SYMPTOMLESS IN THE CHILDREN WE ARE TRYING TO VACCINATE, AND MUMPS, WHICH YOU’LL GET ANYWAY BECAUSE THE VACCINE DOESN’T PROTECT AGAINST IT, AND MEASLES, WHICH HASN’T KILLED ANYONE SINCE 2003.] Most people who get MMR vaccine do not have any problems with it [BUT MANY WHO DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT HAVE A REALLY BIG PROBLEM WITH IT].
Minor problems following MMR vaccine include:
- Mild rash
- AIf these problems occur, they usually begin within 6 to 14 days after the shot. They occur less often after the second dose.Swelling of glands in the cheeks or neck [THIS MIGHT FEEL LIKE A MUMPS INFECTION]
If these problems occur, they usually begin within 6 to 14 days after the shot. They occur less often after the second dose.
Moderate problems following MMR vaccine include:
- Seizure (jerking or staring) caused by fever [CORRECTION, CAUSED BY THE VACCINE. ALSO, YES, WE FEEL THAT CAUSING EPILEPSY IN YOUR CHILD IS ONLY A MODERATE PROBLEM, AT LEAST THEY ARE NOT DEAD, RIGHT?]
- Temporary pain and stiffness in the joints, mostly in teenage or adult women [THIS MIGHT FEEL LIKE A RUBELLA INFECTION]
- Temporary low platelet count, which can cause a bleeding disorder
Severe, and very rare, problems following MMR vaccine include:
- Deafness [YES, JUST LIKE RUBELLA]
- Long-term seizures, coma, or lowered consciousness
- Permanent brain damage [AKA, VACCINE-INDUCED AUTISM]
These reactions happen so rarely that is it difficult to tell whether they are caused by the vaccine. [IT’S NOT REALLY DIFFICULT TO POINT TO THE VACCINE IF SOMEONE SUDDENLY GOES DEAF, FALLS INTO A COMA, OR BECOMES BRAIN DAMAGED, WE JEST.]
Other problems that could happen after this vaccine:
- People sometimes faint after medical procedures, including vaccination. Sitting or lying down for about 15 minutes can help prevent fainting and injuries caused by a fall. Tell your provider if you feel dizzy, or have vision changes or ringing in the ears. [THIS IS JUST A NON-EPILEPTIC SEIZURE COMMON IN PATIENTS RECEIVING MERCK PRODUCTS, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.]
- Some people get shoulder pain that can be more severe and longer-lasting than the more routine soreness that can follow injections. This happens very rarely.
- Any medication can cause a severe allergic reaction [BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT “MEDICATIONS” THAT CONTAIN PROTEINS DO WHEN THEY ARE INJECTED AND ENTER THE BODY UNDIGESTED.] Such reactions from a vaccine are very rare, estimated at about 1 in a million doses [HAAA! WE JUST LIKE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS], and would happen within a few minutes to a few hours after the vaccination.
As with any medicine, there is a very remote chance of a vaccine causing a serious injury or death. The safety of vaccines is always being monitored [BUT NOT IMPROVED, EVER, BECAUSE WE ARE ALLOWED TO POLICE OURSELVES WHILE HAVING TOTAL IMMUNITY FROM PROSECUTION.] For more information, visit: www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/
- What if there is a serious problem?
What should I look for?
- Look for anything that concerns you, such as signs of a severe allergic reaction, very high fever, or unusual behavior [SUCH AS AUTISM].
Signs of a severe allergic reaction can include hives, swelling of the face and throat, difficulty breathing, a fast heartbeat, dizziness, and weakness. These would usually start a few minutes to a few hours after the vaccination.
What should I do?
- If you think it is a severe allergic reaction or other emergency that can’t wait, call 9-1-1 or get to the nearest hospital. Otherwise, call your clinic. [NO, WAIT. WE SHOULDN’T TASK THE AVERAGE REASONABLE PARENT WITH KNOWING WHETHER AN ALLERGIC REACTION IS SEVERE OR NOT, SHOULD WE? BECAUSE THEIR CHILD COULD DIE WHILE THEY ARE WAITING FOR IT TO GET WORSE.]
Afterward, the reaction should be reported to the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS). Your doctor should file this report, or you can do it yourself through the VAERS website at http://www.vaers.hhs.gov, or by calling 1-800-822-7967. [OMG, GIVE US A MINUTE. WE ARE LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THE THOUGHT OF YOU NOT HAVING TO FILE YOUR OWN VAERS REPORT BECAUSE YOUR DOCTOR DOES IT FOR YOU. LOLZ.]
VAERS does not give medical advice. [NEITHER WILL YOUR DOCTOR. IT IS BEST TO CALL A LAWYER.]
- The National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program
The National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (VICP) is a federal program that was created to compensate people who may have been injured by certain vaccines. [ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU ARE FIVE PAGES DEEP. DON’T YOU THINK THIS INFORMATION SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF PAGE ONE?]
Persons who believe they may have been injured by a vaccine can learn about the program and about filing a claim by calling 1-800-338-2382 or visiting the VICP website at http://www.hrsa.gov/vaccinecompensation. There is a time limit to file a claim for compensation. [HAVE WE DISCOURAGED YOU YET WITH THE USE OF “BELIEVE” AND “MAY” AND THE THREAT THAT TIME HAS ALREADY RUN OUT? “DON’T BOTHER” IS OUR MESSAGE. DID YOU RECEIVE IT?]
- How can I learn more?
- Ask your healthcare provider. He or she can give you the vaccine package insert or suggest other sources of information.
- Call your local or state health department.
- Contact the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC): – Call 1-800-232-4636 (1-800-CDC-INFO) or – Visit CDC’s website at www.cdc.gov/vaccines
[VISIT NVIC.ORG FOR HONEST INFORMATION.]
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